A Woman's Version of "Twas The Night Before Christmas "

 T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen,
 I was cooking and baking and moanen and bitchin'.
 I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
 This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
 Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
 They expect all the trimmings, who cares what I need?!
 My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
 The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
 There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
 frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
 Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
  my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
 I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore
 Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
 He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady
 then grins as he chuckles "The egg nog is ready!"
 He looks all around and with total regret, says, "What's taking so long
 aren't you through in here yet?"
 As quick as a flash I reach for a knife
 He loses an earlobe I wanted his life!
 He flees from the room in terror andpainand screams,
 "Now what was I doing, and what is that smell
  darn it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!
 I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
 but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
 What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
 If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
 Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays
 It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
 But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
 You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
 I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter
 and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED.
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