SANTA'S CORPORATE NEWSLETTER
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good
deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about
other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining
was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no
longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished
Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit
further erosion of = the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing
was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese
sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher
and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss
of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited =
and received unfavorable press. We are pleased to inform you and
yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still
counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the
strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose
got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling
Rudolph "A lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his
share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when
he is known to be under executive stress. As a further
restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole
to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures = are to take place
in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The Partridge will
be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash
crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance. The Two Turtle
Doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The Three
French Hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French. The Four Calling Birds were replaced by an automated
voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is
underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often
and how long they talked. The Five Golden Rings have been put on
hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on
one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well
as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in
order. The Six Geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production
rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from
now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The Seven-Swans-
a-Swimming is obviously a number from better times. The function
is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know, the Eight
Maids-a-Milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the
EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.
The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids
to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. Nine Ladies Dancing
has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out
as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven Pipers Piping and
Twelve Drummers Drumming is a simple case of the band getting too
big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music
and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop down to the
bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted
people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete,
studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is
inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will
be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
(Thirteen lawyers-a-suing), action is pending. Lastly, it is not
beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the
future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see
if Seven Dwarfs is the right number.
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