Pastor Search Committee Report

               In  our search for a suitable  pastor, the following scratch
          sheet  was  developed   for  your  perusal.  Of   the  candidates
          investigated by  the committee,  only one was  found to  have the
          necessary  qualities.  The   list  contains  the  names   of  the
          candidates and  comments  on each,  should you  be interested  in
          investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

          NOAH. He has 120 years  of preaching experience, but no converts.
          MOSES. He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his
          temper over trivial things.
          ABRAHAM. He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he
          got into trouble  with the authorities and then tried  to lie his
          way out.
          DAVID. He is an unacceptable  moral character. He might have been
          considered for minister of music had he not fallen.
          SOLOMON. He  has a  reputation for wisdom  but fails  to practice
          what he preaches.
          ELIJAH. He proved to be inconsistent, and  is known to fold under
          pressure.
          HOSEA. His family life is  in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried
          to a prostitute.
          JEREMIAH. He is too  emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in
          the neck.
          AMOS. Comes  from a farming background. Better  off picking figs.
          JOHN.  He says he is a Baptist  but lacks tact and dresses like a
          hippie. Would  not feel comfortable  at a church  potluck supper.
          PETER. Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ
          publicly.
          PAUL. We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh,  his appearance
          is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
          TIMOTHY.  He  has  potential,  but  is much  too  young  for  the
          position.
          JESUS. He  tends to  offend  church members  with his  preaching,
          especially Bible  scholars. He is also too controversial. He even
          offended  the  search  committee  with  his   pointed  questions.
          Furthermore, we heard he tore up a church once.
          JUDAS. He  seemed to be  very practical,  cooperative, good  with
          money, cares for the poor, and  dresses well. We all agreed  that
          he is just the  man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our
          Senior Pastor.

               Thank  you for all  you have done  in assisting us  with our
          pastoral search.

          Pastoral Search Committee chairman