George Carlin Strikes Again

     1. Ever wonder about those people  who spend 2 apiece on those  little
     bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVe

     2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
     section in a swimming pool?
      
     3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville  Jaguars are known as the "Jags"  and
     the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does  that make
     the Tennessee Titans?
      
     4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
     enjoys it?
      
     5. There are three religious truths:
     a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
     b.  Protestants  do  not  recognize  the Pope  as  the  leader  of the
     Christian faith.
           c. Baptists do not  recognize each other in the liquor  store or
     at Hooters.
      
     6. If  people from  Poland are  called Poles, why  aren't people  from
     Holland called Holes?
      
     7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
      
     8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
      
     9. Why do  croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't  they just stale
     bread to begin with?
      
     10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a  person
     who drives a race car is not called a racist?
      
     11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
      
     12.  If  lawyers are  disbarred  and clergymen  defrocked,  doesn't it
     follow  that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
     deranged, models  deposed, tree  surgeons debarked,  and dry  cleaners
     depressed?
      
     13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
      
     14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
      
     15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
      
     16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
     more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for
     their final exam.
      
     17. I thought  about how mothers  feed their  babies with tiny  little
     spoons  and  forks,  so  I  wondered  what  do  Chinese  mothers  use?
     Toothpicks?
      
     18.  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
     are we supposed  to do, write to  them? Why don't they  just put their
     pictures on the postage stamps so the  mailmen can look for them while
     they deliver the mail?
      
     19. If it's true  that we are here to  help others, then what  exactly
     are the others here for?
      
     20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
      
     21. Ever  wonder what  the speed of  lightning would  be if  it didn't
     zigzag?
      
     22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
      
     23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?