The New And Improved Little Red riding Hood


               There once was  a young person named Little  Red Riding Hood
          who lived on the edge of a large forest  full of  endangered owls
          and rare plants that would probably  provide a cure for cancer if
          only someone took the time to study them.

               Red  Riding  Hood  lived  with  a  nurture  giver  whom  she
          sometimes  referred to as  "mother," although she  didn't mean to
          imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person
          if  a close biological link  did not in fact  exist.  Nor did she
          intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,
          although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

               One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically
          grown fruit and  mineral water to her grandmother's  house.  "But
          mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
          have struggled for years to earn the right to carry  all packages
          between various people in the woods?"

               Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the
          union boss and  gotten a special compassionate  mission exemption
          form.

               "But mother, aren't  you oppressing me by ordering  me to do
          this?"

               Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was  impossible
          for women  to oppress  each other, since  all women  were equally
          oppressed until all women were free.

               "But mother,  then shouldn't you  have my brother  carry the
          basket, since he's an oppressor,  and should learn what it's like
          to be oppressed?"

               And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that  her brother was
          attending a special  rally for animal  rights, and besides,  this
          wasn't  stereotypical women's work,  but an empowering  deed that
          would help engender a feeling of community.

               "But  won't I be oppressing Grandma,  by implying that she's
          sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

               But  Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother
          wasn't  actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in
          any  way,  although  that was  not  to imply  that  any  of these
          conditions were inferior to what some people called "health." 

               Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea
          of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and  so she set off.

               Many people believed  that the forest  was a foreboding  and
          dangerous  place, but  Red  Riding  Hood knew  that  this was  an
          irrational  fear based  on  cultural  paradigms  instilled  by  a
          patriarchal  society  that  regarded  the  natural  world  as  an
          exploitable resource,  and hence believed that  natural predators
          were in fact  intolerable competitors.  Other  people avoided the
          woods for fear of  thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt
          that in a truly classless society all marginalized  peoples would
          be able  to "come  out" of  the woods  and be  accepted as  valid
          lifestyle role models.

               On  her way  to Grandma's  house, Red  Riding Hood  passed a
          woodchopper, and wandered off the  path, in order to examine some
          flowers.   She  was startled  to find  herself standing  before a
          Wolf, who asked  her what was in  her basket.  Red  Riding Hood's
          teacher had warned her  never to talk  to strangers, but she  was
          confident in  taking control of  her own  budding sexuality,  and
          chose to  dialog with  the Wolf.   She replied,  "I am  taking my
          Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

               The Wolf  said, "You  know,  my dear,  it isn't  safe for  a
          little girl to walk through these woods alone."

               Red Riding Hood  said, "I find your  sexist remark offensive
          in the extreme, but I will ignore  it because of your traditional
          status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused
          you to develop an alternative  and yet entirely valid world view.
          Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

               Red  Riding Hood returned  to the  main path,  and proceeded
          toward her  Grandmother's house.  But because  his status outside
          society  had  freed   him  from  slavish  adherence   to  linear,
          Western-style  thought,  the Wolf  knew  of  a quicker  route  to
          Grandma's  house.   He burst  into the  house and ate  Grandma, a
          course of action affirmative of his  nature as a predator.  Then,
          unhampered by rigid,  traditionalist gender role notions,  he put
          on  Grandma's nightclothes,  crawled  under the  bedclothes,  and
          awaited developments.

               Red Riding Hood  entered the cottage  and said, "Grandma,  I
          have brought you  some cruelty-free snacks to salute  you in your
          role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

               The Wolf  said softly "Come  closer, child, so that  I might
          see you."

               Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness!  Grandma, what big eyes you
          have!"

               "You forget that I am optically challenged."

               "And  Grandma,  what  an enormous-er-what  a  fine  nose you
          have."

               "Naturally,  I could  have had  it fixed  to help  my acting
          career,  but I  didn't give  in  to such  societal pressures,  my
          child."

               "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

               The Wolf could not take  any more of these specialist slurs,
          and,  in  a reaction  appropriate for  his accustomed  milieu, he
          leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his
          jaws so wide that she could see her  poor Grandmother cowering in
          his belly.

               "Aren't you forgetting  something?" Red Riding Hood  bravely
          shouted.  "You must request  my permission before proceeding to a
          new level of intimacy!"

               The Wolf was so startled  by this statement that he loosened
          his grasp on her.  At  the same time, the woodchopper burst  into
          the   cottage,  brandishing  an  ax.    "Hands  off!"  cried  the
          woodchopper.

               "And what  do  you think  you're  doing?" cried  Little  Red
          Riding Hood. "If I let you help  me now, I would be  expressing a
          lack of confidence  in my own abilities, which would lead to poor
          self  esteem and  lower achievement  scores  on college  entrance
          exams."

               "Last chance,  sister! Get  your hands  off that  endangered
          species! This  is an  FBI sting!"  screamed the woodchopper,  and
          when Little Red Riding Hood  nonetheless made a sudden motion, he
          sliced off her head.

               "Thank goodness you  got here in time," said  the Wolf. "The
          brat and  her grandmother  lured me in  here. I  thought I  was a
          goner."

               "No,  I  think   I'm  the  real  victim,  here,"   said  the
          woodchopper.   "I've been dealing with  my anger ever since I saw
          her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to
          have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

               "Sure," said the Wolf.

               "Thanks."