How To Tell When You Are In Los Angeles


          Your  coworker tells  you s/he  has  8 body  piercings: none  are
          visible.   You make  over  $250,000.   And still  can't afford  a
          house.  You take  a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a
          conversation in English.  Your  child's 3rd grade teacher has two
          pierced  ears, a  nose  ring and  is named  "Breeze."   And  your
          friends still need  to know if the teacher, a member of the local
          Republican  committee, is  male or  female.   If you  speak about
          "urban  transit," you're besieged  by attractive young  women who
          want  to "channel."    You  can't remember  ...  is pot  illegal?
          You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and
          a sperm donor.   You have a very strong opinion  about where your
          coffee  beans are  grown  and can  taste  the difference  between
          Sumatra and Ethiopian.  And  you know which Brentwood  restaurant
          serves the  freshest arugula.   A really great parking  space can
          move  you to  tears.   You assume  every company  offers domestic
          partner  benefits,  a  fab exercise  facility  and  tofu takeout.
          You're thinking  of taking  an adult class  but you  can't decide
          between  aroma  therapy,  conversational  mandarin  or  screening
          erotic web sites.  A man walks on the bus in full leather regalia
          and crotchless chaps.   You don't notice.   A woman walks  on the
          bus with live poultry.  You don't notice.  You think any guy with
          a George Clooney haircut must be  visiting from the Midwest.  You
          know that  any  woman with  a  George Clooney  haircut is  not  a
          tourist.  Your hairdresser is  straight, your plumber is gay, the
          woman who  delivers your  mail is  into  BDSM and  your Mary  Kay
          Cosmetic Lady is someone in drag.