Reverse Banking


          This is supposedly an actual letter sent to a bank in  the United
          States. The bank thought  it amusing enough to publish in the New
          York Times.  
          Dear Sir:

          I am  writing to thank  you for bouncing  the check with  which I
          endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, some
          three  nanoseconds must have  elapsed between his  presenting the
          check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor
          it. I  refer, of course,  to the automatic monthly  deposit of my
          entire salary,  an arrangement which,  I admit, has only  been in
          place for eight years. You  are to be commended for  seizing that
          brief window  of opportunity,  and also for  debiting my  account
          with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your
          bank.   My  thankfulness springs  from the  manner in  which this
          incident has caused  me to rethink my errant  financial ways. You
          have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
          relationship be  blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
          restructuring  my  affairs  in  2001,  taking  as  my  model  the
          procedures, attitudes and conduct of  your very bank. I can think
          of no  greater compliment, and  I know  you will  be excited  and
          proud to hear it.

          To this  end, please  be advised about  the following  changes: I
          have noticed that whereas I  personally attend to your  telephone
          calls and letters, when  I try to contact you I  am confronted by
          the  impersonal,  ever-changing, prerecorded,  faceless  machine.
          From   now  on  I,  like   you,  choose  only   to  deal  with  a
          flesh-and-blood  person. My  mortgage and  loan  repayments will,
          therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but  will arrive
          at your bank,  by check, addressed personally  and confidentially
          to an employee of  your branch whom you must nominate.   You will
          be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
          person  to  open such  an  envelope.    Please find  attached  an
          Application Contact Status  which I require your  chosen employee
          to complete.   I am  sorry it runs  to eight pages, but  in order
          that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
          there is no alternative.   Please note that all copies  of his or
          her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
          that  the  mandatory  details   of  his/her  financial  situation
          (income,  debts, assets  and abilities)  must  be accompanied  by
          documented proof.  In due course I  will issue your employee with
          a PIN  number which he/she must quote in  all dealings with me. I
          regret  that it cannot  be shorter than  28 digits but,  again, I
          have  modeled it  on the  number  of button  presses required  to
          access my account balance  on your phone bank  service.  As  they
          say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

          Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to
          my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
          yours.  My  Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
          whom I  will have any dealings, may call me  at any time and will
          be answered by an automated voice.

          Press buttons as follows:

          1. To make an appointment to see me.
          2. To query a missing repayment.
          3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
          4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
          5. To transfer the  call to my toilet  in case I am  attending to
          nature.
          6. To  transfer the call to my  mobile phone in case I  am not at
          home.
          7.  To  leave a  message on  my  computer. To  leave a  message a
          password  to access  my  computer is  required. Password  will be
          communicated at a later date to the contact.
          8. To return to  the main menu and listen carefully  to options 1
          through 9.
          9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.  The contact will then
          be put on  hold, pending the attention of  my automated answering
          service.   While  this may  on occasion  involve a  lengthy wait,
          uplifting  music will  play for  the duration.   This  month I've
          chosen a refrain from "The Best of  Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks
          are made of  marble, With a guard  at every door, And  the vaults
          are  filled with  silver, That  the miners  sweated for."   After
          twenty minutes of that, our  mutual contact will probably know it
          by heart.

          On a more serious  note, we come to the matter of  cost.  As your
          bank  has often  pointed  out,  the  ongoing  drive  for  greater
          efficiency  comes at a cost  which you have  always been quick to
          pass on to me.  Let me repay your kindness by  passing some costs
          back.   First, there  is the matter  of advertising  material you
          send me.  This I will read for  a fee of $20 per page.  Inquiries
          from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my
          time spent  in  response.   Any  debits to  my  account, as,  for
          example, in the  matter of the penalty for  the dishonored check,
          will be  passed back to  you.  My  new phone  service runs at  75
          cents a minute.  You would be well advised to keep your inquiries
          brief and  to the  point. Regrettably,  but again  following your
          example,  I must  also levy  an  establishment fee  to cover  the
          setting up  of this new arrangement.  May I  wish you a happy, if
          ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

          Your humble client,

            Name withheld