A Telemarker's Nightmare

          Editor's Note.
               I  have  made  changes  to  make this  easier  for  a  voice
          synthesizer to read.
          end of editor's note.


          One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of
          you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by
          a  phone  call from  a  telemarketer.   I  decided,  on  one such
          occasion, to  try to be  as irritating as  they were to me.   The
          call was from A T and T and it went something like this.

          Hello.
          Hello, this is A T and T.
          Is this A T and T?
          Yes, this is A T and T.
          This is A T and T?
          Yes This is A T and T.
          Is this A T and T?
          YES!  This is A T and T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
          May I ask who is calling?
          This is A T and T.
          OK, hold on.

               At  this point I  put the phone  down for a  solid 5 minutes
          thinking that, surely, this person  would have hung up the phone.
          I ate  my salad.   Much  to my  surprise, when  I  picked up  the
          receiver, they were still waiting.

          Hello.
          Is this Mr. Byron?
          May I ask who is calling please?
          Yes this is A T and T.
          Is this A T and T? AT&T:
          Yes this is A T and T.
          This is A T and T?
          Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
          Yes, is this A T and T?
          Yes sir.
          The phone company? 
          Yes
          I thought you said this was A T and T.
          Yes sir, we are a phone company.
          I already have a phone.
          We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
          Well whatever  it is,  I'm really not  interested but  thanks for
          calling.

               When you are not interested  in something, I don't think you
          can express yourself any plainer  than by saying, "I'm really not
          interested", but this lady was persistent.

          Mr. Byron we would  like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours
          a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
               Now,  I am sure  she meant she  was offering a  "rate" of 10
          cents a minute, but she at  no time used the word rate.   I could
          clearly  see  that  it  was  time to  whip  out  the  trusty  old
          calculator and do a little ciphering.

          Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? 
          She was getting  a little excited at  this point by  my interest.
          Yes sir that's right!  24 hours a day!
          7 days a week?
          That's right.
          365 days a year?
          Yes sir.
          I am definitely interested in that!  Wow!  That's amazing!
          We think so!
          That's quite a sum of money!
          Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
          OK, so will  you send me checks  weekly, monthly or just  one big
          one at the end of the year  for the full 52,560 dollars?  And  if
          you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
          Excuse me?
          You know, the 10 cents a minute?
          What are you talking about?
          You said  you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days
          a week,  365 days a  year.   That comes to  144 dollars  per day,
          1,008 dollars  per week and  52,560 dollars  per year.   I'm just
          interested in knowing how you will be making the payments.
          Oh, no  sir, I  didn't mean we'd  be paying you.   You pay  us 10
          cents a minute.
          Wait  a minute here!   Didn't  you say you'd  give me  10 cents a
          minute? Are you sure this is A T and T?
          Well, yes this is A T and T sir but...
           But  nothing, how do you figure  that by saying that you'll give
          me 10 cents a minute  that I'll give you 10  cents a minute?   Is
          this  some kind of  subliminal telemarketing  scheme?   I've read
          about things like this in the Enquirer  you know.  Don't use your
          alien brainwashing techniques on me.
          No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for...
          THERE YOU GO AGAIN!  Can I speak to a supervisor please!
          Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
          Sure!  You say that now!  What happens later?
          What?
          I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
          Yes Mr. Byron.  Please hold.
          So now A T and  T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I
          begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor.  After a wait of
          a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
          Mr. Byron?  This is a supervisor.
          Yeh?
          I  understand you  are not  quite  understanding our  10 cents  a
          minute program.
          Is this A T and T?
          Yes sir, it sure is.
          I had to swallow before I choked on my food.  It  was all I could
          do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce
          a snort.
          No, actually I was just waiting for someone to  get back to me so
          that I could sign up for the plan.
          OK,  no problem, I'll  transfer you  back to  the person  who was
          helping you.
          Thank you.
          I was on  hold once again  and managed a few  more mouthfuls.   I
          needed  to  end  this  conversation.    Suddenly,  there  was  an
          aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
          Hello Mr. Byron, I understand  that you are interested in signing
          up for our plan?
          Do you have that friends  and family thing because you  can never
          have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really  like to
          have a little brother.
          A T and T: click