How To Give A Cat A Pill


          1. Grasp cat  firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow,
          just  as if  you  were  giving baby  a  bottle. Coo  confidently,
          "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
          2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa.
          3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front  paws down
          with left hand and  back paws down with elbow of  right arm. Poke
          pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

          4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.  Resist
          impulse to get new cat.
          5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled
          in bottle-feeding position, sit down  on edge of chair, fold your
          torso over cat, bring your right hand over  your left elbow, open
          cat's  mouth by  lifting the  upper  jaw and  pop the  pill  in -
          quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able
          to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
          6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
          7. If you're a  woman, have a good cry.  If you're a man, have  a
          good cry.
          8.  Now  pull yourself  together.  Who's  the  boss here  anyway?
          Retrieve  cat and pill. Assuming  position 1, say sternly, "Who's
          the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
          9.  This isn't  working, is  it? Collapse  and think.  Aha! Those
          flashing claws are causing the chaos.
          10. Crawl  to linen closet.  Drag back large beach  towel. Spread
          towel on floor.
          11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
          12.  Spread cat  on towel near  one end  with its head  over long
          edge.  13.  Flatten cat's front and  back legs over its  stomach.
          (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
          14. Roll cat  in towel. Work fast;  time and tabbies wait  for no
          man - or woman.
          15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press
          its  mouth  at the  jaw  hinges  like  opening  the petals  of  a
          snapdragon.
          16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
          17.  Vacuum  up  loose  fur  (cat's).  Apply  bandages to  wounds
          (yours).
          18. Take two aspirins and lie down.